Breaking it Off With Toxic Friends

Not standing for it

Wednesday, April 3, 2024

The worst part about life under the dominion of a toxic friend is the way that person manages to move in and take over your mind and body. A person I work with started having chest pains so severe she had to go to the Emergency Room.
 
It doesn’t help that friendship doesn’t seem serious enough to be that destructive. After all, they’re not your boss. They’re not your family. You don’t have to hang out with them. But that would be the viewpoint of the uninitiated. It’s not a straightforward situation in which the person was toxic from the get-go. No, there is a luring in/ laying-in-wait aspect with the toxic behavior only rolling out over time once purchase in your life has been gained. Then you are the frog in the pot of water that at first was cool and refreshing but is now boiling.
 
That was how it went with my friend, Francesca. She was in a friend group with three other women, one a life-of-the-party sort of person who was smart, fun, and very generous with her expensive wine. In time, though, her fun and zesty exuberance showed its shadow side in the brash way she pushed for inclusion in private family outings and gatherings, how long she expected friends to stay at parties (very long), and her expectation to rule on everything from how much you spend on a hostess gift (a lot) to how often the group got together (all the time). When Francesca pushed back, she would be loudly challenged and shamed. It was threatening. Some women in the group were a little better able to insist on boundaries but Francesca’s fear of anger and conflict made her easier prey. 
 
Hanging out on Francesca’s porch one afternoon, our conversation turned to the problem friend. Every time we talked about it, Francesca got a pained look in her eyes, like it was giving her a stomach-ache. But this afternoon there was an additional layer of something. I could see how truly twisted up inside this was making her. It alarmed me.
 
“This isn’t good for you,” I blurted out. “Something has to happen. What do you want to do?”
 
“I want to get the hell out!” The words spurted out so fast it was like the question had nicked an artery. She sounded desperate. But as fast as Francesca tapped into that truth, she took it back.
 
“But I’m trapped. She’s not going to let me. It will wreck the whole group. Plus, our husbands work together. Our lives are so intertwined. We even take care of each other’s dogs! Francesca shook her head. “And I don’t think I can stand up to her anyway. It makes me sick to think about it.”
 
But you know what? We sat there that afternoon and worked out a word-for-word script. We thought it through from all angles then Francesca called this person and told her their relationship was causing her a great deal of anxiety. That she felt bullied and shamed if she disagreed or tried to take care of her own needs. That there was too much anger and conflict. When her friend demanded examples, Francesca refused. When we were writing the script, she’d been clear about not putting herself in a position where she would be backed into a corner, defending herself.
 
“I’m not going to argue my case with you. I’m not comfortable and the confrontation and conflict are not good for me.”
When Francesca got off the phone, we looked at each other with wide eyes like What just happened. Then she started laughing and crying and shaking with relief. That was 14 years ago. She still feels the utter relief of freeing herself. It can be done. We’re not trapped; there is no such thing as being 100% trapped. There is always a move.
 
That move might be hard to see, though, without someone at your side because having a toxic person in your life is crazy making. That Nco-worker with the chest pains? She started questioning herself and apologizing for things she didn’t do just to try to get the person to treat her better. She couldn’t sleep, she went on medication for chest palpitations, she got depressed. And then a friend spoke up.
 
“She’s messing with you…gas lighting you and getting you to believe that something is wrong with you.”
 
It was at this point the co-worker reach out to our company EAP. She worked with her counselor to develop tactics for managing this toxic relationship and supporting herself. Before long she was feeling more clear-headed, sleeping better, and out from under the power of that other person.
 
Given its power to influence our happiness and even our lifespan, friendship is serious stuff. Unfortunately, the power can go the other way, also, and make our lives quite miserable. So if you find yourself in that pot of hot water, check out the links below. Reach out to someone you know. Reach out to your EAP if you have one or a different counselor. You don’t have to figure your way out of that dynamic alone.
 
To life affirming friendships,
 
E
 
 
Good Reading Resources
10 Signs of a Toxic Friend (and How to Break Up With Them) (verywellmind.com)
How To Know If Someone Doesn't Want To Be Your Friend (verywellmind.com)
Signs of a Fake Friend: Causes, Impact, Types, Coping (verywellmind.com)
How to Repair a Friendship When You’ve Made a Mistake (happify.com)