Have you thought about the number of times a day you apologize? If you start counting your sorrys, and find the number is high, you might ask yourself why. Apologizing a lot can be tied to feelings of guilt or a desire to be a people-pleaser. Studies show that women tend to apologize more than men, and those who over apologize at work may be seen as less confident or even less skilled at their job, so it’s a habit worth looking at. Sometimes it’s a cultural norm or a learned habit. Excessive apologizing may be tied to mental health conditions, including depression, anxiety disorders, trauma, obsessive compulsive disorders, and more. It can also be a defense mechanism from a trauma response.
Do you apologize just for taking up space in the world? You may be blaming yourself for a situation you didn’t create. Next time you get ready to apologize, consider first if you did anything that truly warrants an apology. You may feel like you need to fill the space when someone else is uncomfortable. If you find yourself trying to regulate the room with an apology, your sorry may not be about anything you did, but more of a need to keep yourself safe or keep the peace.
“Apologizing is a great way to authentically own a genuine mistake,” says Jesse Higgins, RN, PMHNP, director of Integrated Behavioral Health at Northern Light Acadia Hospital. “However, apologizing when you are not at fault will come across as inauthentic and diminishes the power of setting appropriate boundaries.”
It can be challenging at first to retrain your brain to stop apologizing, but you can do it. If you start to take stock in your sorrys and realize it may be about your past trauma, if you are truly in a safe environment, remind yourself that you are safe and that the situation that provoked your reaction no longer represents your current reality. Pause and take a deep breath before you reply. Try replacing your sorry with a thank you.
| Instead of saying: |
Say: |
| I’m sorry I’m late |
Thanks for your patience |
| Sorry for sending this late reply |
Thanks for waiting for me |
| I’m sorry I forgot |
I appreciate the reminder |
| Sorry I can’t join you |
Thank you for the invitation, but I can’t make it. |
| I’m sorry I said that |
I did not intend to cause offense with my choice of words |
Whether it's a habit or a hurt, with mindfulness and practice, you can change your patterns and begin living a more mentally healthy life. You may even find yourself becoming more confident and happier.
“Many of us have been socialized to excuse our perception that we are somehow inconveniencing others by existing,” says Jesse. “Modeling that we are important, and our boundaries are appropriate is a better path forward for everyone involved.”
Give yourself a break and try not to say “I’m sorry” just to please others or be polite. Remember, if you truly mess something up, that’s the perfect time for a good apology.
Find more mental health resources here.